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| i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes
(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)
how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?
(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
e.e.cummings
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| is it lame that i'm staying awake so i can sleep through tomorrow?
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| it's good to get a pay check. to have somewhere to go in the morning and something to be doing with my hands. it's good to get 'the experience' that will make the next job search easier (so They say).
but when do i get to go outside? whatever happened to skies that are blue and sidewalks where trees don't loom with sexual predators and wildebeests? how can i have joy if i can't walk outside, look around me and gasp?
things i took for granted:
passing someone on the sidewalk and exchanging a meaningless 'hi! how are you?'
i try not to think too much about where i am not. i am not in college. i am not in graduate school. i am not in med school. i am not in switzerland, new zealand, france or san francisco. i do not live at the mustard house or at 945 D St Apt 18. there are a lot of places and things that i am not.
i'm here. just saying 'hey' to no one in particular.
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| I'm moving North, looking for work, buying a few plants and a cat and spending some time chilling out and growing up. Life is no worries so long as I don't take myself too seriously and remember that perspective and emotional state are hugely a decision I make whether or not I realize that fact. Things come and go, people happen along, and Laura's learn to sew clothes and to navigate health insurance, taxes, and how to be alone while missing Stephen so strongly.
No idea as to the date of going. I'm almost packed. After that I might just go and see what comes. Or maybe I'll head to SF until my apartment opens up, but I don't know if I should go for a visit already...considerations for family (who haven't seen me for awhile) and for how much time he'll have and how stressed he's going to be. Also, I know I won't want to leave after I'm down there with him. It was difficult enough to say goodbye the first time.
But I won't know until I hear about the job. Maybe they'll want me to start sooner, or maybe it won't be for a month and I'll get to work in a quilt shop for awhile or sleep with a space pillow or on a floor in Chicago. I'll wait and see.
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| i'm thinking what it was like to be writing poetry.
why does it happen that people quit doing that which made them feel alive?
do you know the feeling when you've been out running or walking for hours and your leg muscles twitch once you sprawl out on the floor? that was how it used to feel. it was like being illuminated or the look of someone talking.
i think what's more important than being interesting is to be interested. or maybe what i mean is that those who are most interesting are those who are most interested. -ing to -ed. curious.
on the porch at night. and cold was. my sounds. the city or the prairie. (a toast to the two i's of prairie)
warm milk and tumeric or sleep into.
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